35 Life Lessons To Learn The Closer You Get To 30

Thought Catalog

Frances Ha Frances Ha

Well. I’ve done it. I’ve hit 35. And, in my infinite wisdom, I have been sitting here thinking all day about lessons to learn in life. Lessons I have learned in life. You know, this things you wish you knew then, but you know now.

When I started my blog, I was in what I defined a full-on 30-Life-Crisis. I had no idea what the hell was going on in my life, only that the life I had dreamed of was, in fact, the life I was living, but no longer the life I wanted. So, I did what any sane (ha!) 30-Life-Crisis person would do: I ditched it. I headed to  a foreign world to soak up different languages, cultures, foods, experiences, and then, when that ended, I came home, decided it wasn’t for me, and then moved to Thailand.

I think today, it is safe…

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if i were a guy

this is one of the times i wish i could be a guy. tbh i wish i was one. nope it’s got nothing to do with liking a girl or anything. i’m not a lesbian, jot that down. it’s just that, i’m tired of being a girl you know. having to consider everything, having to getting approvals, having to be cautious all the time, having to feel threatened all the time, having to give up dreams, having to listen to others, having to sacrifice.

a teacher? i am a girl and that’s why i chose that proffesion cause it’s suits me and future family. a teacher because i want to be a good mother. a teacher because i need the time for my future family. a teacher because that’s what my parents want. a teacher because i’m a realist, there’s so many cause and consequences that i have to reconsider. a teacher because that suits a woman the most.

but if i were given a choice to be a guy, i would pursue my dreams in mechanical engineering. you see i like dealing with machines be it electronic devices or other mechanical things. but yeah these things impresses me a lot and not boring. i like to fix things on my own at home. but i can’t enter this field. cause it’s a man’s work and i just can’t waste my time there. i’ll become an engineer on my own at home. it’s not that i’m a coward or anything but it’s just i’m a realist so i tend to think a lot for my future. after all i’ll become a wife and a mother someday so i need to plan this carefully.

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f you

well you know what. fuck you.

fuck you and your shitty attitude. and screw my vow of not using any vulgar words anymore i don’t care and if you’re reading this haa lagi bagus cause fuck you very very much perangai macam haram.

aku dah bagitau kau daripada awal lagi jangan berharap. aku dah bagitau kau, aku dah bagitau best friend kau pun lagi haa punyalah sebab nak jaga hati kau. i made it clear i see you just as a friend nothing more nothing less.

tapi kau macam haram pi act all shitty semua dah kenapa attack aku dengan all those harsh words like what the fuck is wrong with you. haa aku ta pernah semarah ni tahu. dah orang tak suka kau back off macam gentleman bagi dia happy and kau cari la happiness kau sendiri. kau kata nak tunggu bullshit semua kan aku dah cakap kau tunggu macam mana takkan jadi la woi 

ni apa nampak aku tweet jiwang sikit kau dah mengamuk, tengok last seen aku pun nak meroyan suruh aku tidur eh sukati lah kau siapa. lepas tu buat rumors eyy jenis macam kau ni pergi mampus pls. sukahati mak bapak aku la hidup aku. ada aku mintak kau suka aku? i don’t give a damn la kau suka or benci aku. Lagi bagus kau benci je terus takdelah aku nak rasa bersalah. eh and excuse me, best friend kau pun on my side tahu cause he knows how irritating you can be.

i don’t get it how a guy could turn into a douche just because he found out that the girl of his dreams is actually far away of what he thinks of. and that’s when he thought she changed and terus act all shitty tanpa tanya what really happens. haa bagus assume lah kau, assume banyak banyak. memang aku tak pandang kau the same dah sekarang.

i can give this essay right now on your face tapi sebab aku ni penyabar orangnya dan taknak cause anymore conflicts and taknak malukan kau. takpe aku diam. biar orang lain salah faham kat aku macam biasa, i don’t want to hurt your ego. and sebab aku still respect kau sebagai kawan yang pernah baik dengan aku. tapi takpe, janji the closest one, yang aku sayang tahu perkara sebenar. i don’t need the others.

wow look at those kata kata kesat i’ve said, haa amik kau the bitchy side of haz dah keluar. nasib baik tak jumpa kau, kalau aku jumpa memang aku dah lempang dah. and screw the other readers yang nak judge this cause this is my wordpress.

maybe you’re mad cause you thought we’re on the same page when we’re actually not. maybe you’re sad or maybe you think this is unfair. but this is life, shit things happens and the person you’re in love with might not be in love with you. accept that. so please i’m begging you from the bottom of my heart, grow up. don’t worry, i forgave you and yes i hate you now but time heals and i’ll get over this thing soon and you’re going to get over me too sooner or later. so please, don’t talk to me ever again you little piece of shit.

how are you?

you okay?

i’m fine. just fine.

i think so.

tipu. you’re not okay.

 

fuck feelings. fuck it very very much.

17 Little Things Attractive Girls Do Differently

Thought Catalog

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1. They are happier

There is a difference in temperament between regular girls and attractive girls and it has to do with how happy they appear. Attractive women are happier, and it shows. They are excited to see you, excited to talk about whatever subjects come up, excited to do just about anything. They’ve got a bounce in their step that other girls don’t have, and it never goes away. This is such a relief from the bored, standoffish people I meet all day at work. It’s refreshing to meet girls who are so different, who aren’t boring, who are fun to be around.

2. They don’t complain about their bodies

If a guy is with you, he likes your body. Don’t insult his judgement by complaining about what it looks like. No guy really expects you to look like an airbrushed model, and often it’s the little imperfections…

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why now

i feel like crying,

i don’t ask for this feeling. i said no, i prayed not yet

so why?

why now

after all these years why now?

oh god why

a pleasant dream

what a pleasant dream.

i was wearing a turquoise baju kurung and he was wearing a darker color baju melayu maybe dark green. He was as always tall and handsome. It was the first time i went into his house. The house was all cream and bright. Then i saw his mum. His mum was wearing pink and beautiful as ever. We both walked toward his mum and I salam her.  She gave me her sweetest smile and asked my name. I hesitated for a second, what should i make her call me i mean different people call me different names. Should i tell her that i’ve met her before? years back when she asked me my name. At that time because my first name was difficult to pronounce so i decided to go with Rafiqa. Rafiqa sounds pretty and feminine and that was the first time i let someone call me by that name. But years after, now, i think she has already forgotten me or my name so I decided to go for the simple ‘Haz’. I was afraid it will be awkward cause he used to call me by my first name but i want him to know that i’m not the same hazreeni like before. I’ve changed.

 

He was nice but i don’t remember him talking. After that i did some dishes and he was by my side. My back accidentally touches his but when i turned around it was his friend wearing the same color as mine. He was laughing and i smiled back and went away to look for him. Then i found him in the middle of the crowd carrying his small nephew. I recognized his 5 years old nephew, he adores him so much. I went closer and he gave me his nephew to me. He was so small that i was afraid i might break him. I babysit him for a while but out of the blue his nephew vanishes from my view. I panicked, mostly because i was afraid he might be mad. I searched high and low and met some old friends of mine. Then I saw the nephew. He was dancing out in the rain. I pushed open the sliding door and went after him. The rain pours down and made my whole baju kurung wet. But i don’t give the slighest care. All i know is that i have to protect the nephew. I have to protect him. I hugged him and carried him in.

At that time there’s only one thing i remember; I want him to know that I’m not going to hurt him. That i’m capable of being the one he wanted, again.

I wanted him, and i want him to want me back

 

Then i woke up. It was sweet and bitter.

 

it’s been a while.

and yeah i like to write it in details so i won’t forget it and to practice my writing. I want to practice putting my imagination into writings. I don’t usually dream or remember my dream so every time i do, i want to pin it down.