It is weird. The name seems familiar but it feels like i’ve never known him before.

I remember saying my last goodbye.

Someone from my past. But now when i remember him, it’s funny. We almost had a thing if it’s hadn’t been for me ruining it as usual. But what the hell i was just fourteen and i had a big exam coming that i have to think of. I did the right thing and i didn’t regret it at all.

Now? It’s been four years since i last saw the last of him and apparently there’s iftar coming for us and for the first time ever he’s coming too.

I know that someday i’ll have to face him too. But i don’t think i’m ready yet. And so i turned down the invitation.

Not that i’m afraid or i still have feelings towards him but i just don’t want to acknowledge our history, i want to forget it. I’m humiliated by what’s in the past.

I wanted to say sorry, to him and his sister. I wanted to say sorry for hurting him by letting out those words. I’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry. Oh shit now i opened up this thing more of the memories come kicking in. And some of the memories i didn’t remember happening. Oh damn it now pls make it stop.

But it was for our own good, we were too young and i was determined to make my studies my priority without having other things meddle in between. I know i sound irrevelant but this was also my principles and i don’t break one. Well at least in the past. I let him down by showing that i am not the type of girl he wanted. That i was a mistake. It was too easy to make him hate me but it was hard for me to take in all the hatred he had for me. Why am i doing this? Cause it’s easier to make someone hate you than make him unlove you.

Whenever my friends asks why am i doing this to myself, i laughed. Even if i explain it to them, they won’t understand. No one understands why. Even i myself asked the same question from time to time. The thing is, you don’t see the world as how i see it.

Until now i’m still doing the same thing i know. How much longer? A little bit more. The time is nearly here.

I believe that patience is the key and i believe that, that person i’ve been waiting for, worth all the guys i’ve let go before.


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